If you feel awkward when you’re making small talk, or try your best to avoid making it, you’re not alone.
Many people find the idea of small talk daunting. But small talk gets easier when you understand what it’s really for, and how simple it is to do.
The Secret of Small Talk (Hint: It’s Not about Talking!)
The first thing to realize is that small talk is not a conversation. Small talk is what happens when two people are auditioning each other for a conversation, or possibly a deeper connection.
Here’s why we need small talk: Suppose I walked up to you in the grocery store and said,
Hi, my name is Jezra, and I just moved here. I don’t really know anyone. Would you like to be my friend?
Most people would react with a loud (or a silent) “No!” because that question would feel needy, presumptuous, and… well, weird.
But what if I walked up to you and said,
Hi, my name is Jezra, and I just moved here. Could you recommend a place to buy computer supplies?
In that case, you would probably try to help me with a store name, if you know one. That might lead to another round of small talk and that might lead to a cup of coffee and maybe eventually, to that friendship I’m looking for (along with a place to buy computer supplies).
But if this exchange doesn’t lead to anything, it still serves the important purpose of giving both people a sense of whether they’d like to know each other better.
The Ping Pong Paradigm
Once again, small talk is not a conversation! It’s an audition, or warm-up, for a possible conversation, and it’s more like ping pong than real conversation.
In ping-pong, two people hit a ball back and forth, trying to make each other miss. In small talk, two people hit the conversational ball back and forth, trying to help each other not miss.
To see how this works, let’s go back to grocery store, where I’m looking for a place to buy computer supplies and maybe meet an interesting new person.
I say,
Hi, my name is Jezra, and I just moved here. Could you recommend a place to buy computer supplies?
The first thing to be aware of is that the person I spoke to may not want to engage with me — and that’s her right. So if the other person just says “No” and moves on, please don’t take it personally. For whatever reason, they just don’t want to interact right now. Find someone else who looks interesting and ask the same question.
If the person you’ve approached thinks that you seem interesting, she might say,
I know a couple of places. What kind of computer do you have?
Notice that there are two steps in this response, and together, they make small talk work.
Small Talk Is a Two-Step Process, and Those Steps are “React” and “Return”
- The person I’m talking to reacted to my question by saying “I know a couple of places.”
- She then returned the conversational ball to me by asking for more information (“What kind of computer do you have?”)
How do I know that she actually wants to talk to me? If she’d wanted to be helpful and nothing more, she could have said, “There’s a Staples two miles west of here on Rte 9.”
End of conversation, end of interaction.
But since she reacted and returned the conversational ball, I’ve got a pretty good clue that she’s open to at least a brief interaction. At this point, I might say,
“I’ve got a MacBook Pro, which I love. But today I’m just looking for Inkjet toner. If you’ve got a Mom and Pop store in town, I’ll go there.”
The person I’m talking to now has lots of choices. She can:
- Comment on how much she loves her own MacBook Pro (or how she’s always wondered if they were actually better than PCs); or
- Say that she also prefers shopping in small stores; or
- Give me the address of a store and wind things up; or
- Tell me something about the town (“We have lots of small stores; it’s a friendly kind of town.”); or
- Ask a general question to learn more about me (“What do you mostly do on your computer?”)
I could list more options. But whether we continue making small talk, deepen the conversation, or smile and go our separate ways (when one of us says, “It’s been great to talk to you”), this exchange has been a success.
We kept the conversational ball moving, we had a chance to check each other out (5-6 rounds is plenty of time to size up whether you want to keep talking), and at the very least, I got some valuable information.
If Small Talk Becomes Deeper Conversation, Stay In Ping-Pong Mode
Because small talk begins as a ritual, not an exchange of ideas, don’t be surprised or dismayed if it doesn’t have much depth or serious interest.
It’s actually good to keep the first few rounds of a small talk exchange “small” so that you can focus on the other person, not on their weighty comments. (Learn more about why you should talk about inconsequential things when you make small talk.)
But sometimes, after several rounds of lightweight comments, you’ll find that you’re having more of a “real” conversation.
If this happens, just keep doing what you’re doing! Continue to use the React and Return approach, and continue to keep your focus on learning about the other person.
Staying focused on the other person doesn’t require a lot of thought. It just takes eye contact, and one simple, all-purpose question.
Your All-Purpose Small Talk Question: “What About You?”
Imagine that my new acquaintance has told me where to go for computer supplies, and then asks why I decided to move to her town.
ME: I moved here because it seemed like a perfect place to raise my daughter. Do you have kids?
(“Do you have kids?” is a more specific variant on “What about you?”)
THE OTHER PERSON: Yes, I have a son who’s eight and a daughter who’s six. How old is your daughter?
(Again, a version of “What about you?”)
ME: My daughter’s 12. And I probably should ask if you ever need a babysitter, because she loves taking care of younger children.
Small Talk Works the Same, Whether It’s for Business or Pleasure
If these exchanges sound like the kind you’ve had at networking events, that’s because the principles are exactly the same. Only the things you’re looking for are different (new clients, contacts, vendors, colleagues, etc.)
Just remember: With small talk, what you say is not as important as saying something. So react to what the other person tells you, return the conversational ball, smile, make eye contact, try to stay relaxed, and pretty soon your small talk exchange will stop being small and might turn out to be deep, wide, and solid.
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