If the choice is between looking confident and feeling confident, most people will choose to feel more confident.
The problem, though, is that we often don’t get to choose.
Confidence is a feeling
Like anger, fear, jealousy, or delight, confidence is a feeling. (That’s why we say, “I feel confident.”)
And feelings—as any teenager can tell you—are inherently unstable.
They can be triggered by our senses, our memories, our surroundings, what’s going on in our bodies, and a long list of other factors that we can’t anticipate or prepare for. And our feelings can also be triggered by stresses we DID anticipate…like speaking in public.
So, while we all want to feel more confident, it’s important to realize that, like every other feeling, your confidence will ebb and flow in ways that are often impossible to predict or control.
Fortunately, though, that doesn’t matter, because…
Nobody knows what you’re feeling
I learned this when I once moderated a panel at the City University of New York (CUNY) Graduate Center, and a woman in the audience raised her hand and told me,
“Nobody cares what you think, so why don’t you just stop talking and ask us what we think?”
In the moment, I was able to respond calmly (“OK, everyone, what do you think?”), but I spent the next hour,
- Distracted by fantasies of pounding her into the ground; and
- Sure that smoke must be pouring out of my ears…that I was looking completely unprofessional…and that, as a result, I would “never work in this town again.”
My confidence in my own professionalism was shot!
But the funny thing is that nobody else knew.
After the workshop, people came up to praise my diplomacy, restraint, and…professionalism.
They didn’t know that I was having a crisis of confidence.
And they won’t know your confidence is low, if you show them a confident “game face.”